Happy Karma Christmas
“Would it have been best to forget you
Would it have been better for me
And if I could write off your intentions
Would you pretend you don't love me”
I don’t really remember the Christmas of 2018. I’ve deleted all the photos, and the memories are slipping away from me more often these days. I think you came over to my family’s house for dinner that night after we had finished opening presents. I don’t remember what I got my family for Christmas that year. I had given them blank canvases the year before, promising that I would paint them all individual portraits. I never got around to actually doing it.
You came over that night, however. I think you were wearing that black and white striped dress you loved so much. Or was it just black? I don’t remember. You had come down from San Pedro, where you and your nephews gathered around a decorated tree. Your family was bigger than mine, or maybe just less dispersed.
I think we opened Christmas crackers and put paper crowns on our heads. Maybe yours was red?
I think maybe it was a good night. I think I felt warm in the candlelight with you, but I’m not sure. I feel like I would have remembered that because those kinds of nights were so few and far between. I do remember New Year’s Eve because when your friends came down from Los Angeles, I had to wipe the tears from my eyes and pretend we hadn’t been fighting. I don’t remember what we were fighting about. But I think Christmas was a good night. And I think I loved you.
“And I wish you a happy karma Christmas
And I miss you my happy karma girl
My karma girl”
I know you wouldn’t believe me if I said I didn’t hate you. Sometimes I can’t even believe myself, but there’s a part of me buried deep in my chest that just won’t let me hate you. That’s the worst part, I think. It would be so easy to write you off as a mistake entirely, but that’s something I can’t let myself do. To forgive something is to forget it with time, and hate keeps it alive. I live in the space between those realities, like a half-dead animal in the gutter.
“Sometimes I think I'm just a phantom
Loneliness grows deep within me
I gave you love, I gave you fortune
Still you insist you don't love me”
The other night I had a dream about you. I kissed the tip of your nose. I think we fought with each other in the dream, because I woke up sad and empty. The feeling was familiar.
I hope there comes a day when we don’t think about each other at all. I spend most of my time worrying about what I could have done better. And you… well, I’ve seen your social media. I know what you think of me. I spend so much time thinking about the million little ways I fucked up. I think I was too hard on you. Maybe if I had just let you be sad, things would have been different.
“And I wish you a happy karma Christmas
And I miss you my happy karma girl
And I wish you a happy karma Christmas
And I miss you my happy karma girl
My karma girl”
I wonder if I will remember this year’s Christmas. It would seem difficult to forget, given the shitstorm that was 2020. Even so, the days have bled into one another for the past eight or nine months, so I wonder if Christmas will feel any different. I don’t really know anything about where you are or what you’re doing these days, but I hope the holidays bring you peace. I hope you’ve found the person that gives you what I never could. I hope it’s for the best.
Merry Christmas, wherever you are.
By Anonymous